If At First You Don't Succeed...

So I pretended to be all pessimistic and sure that the IUI and the Clomid wouldn't work, but really, I thought they might. I just thought maybe on our own we'd been doing something wrong (like what, I'm not sure) and so with 33 million chances, there was just no doubt that one little swimmer would find his way.

Or not.

In a way, taking the pregnancy tests every day was a good idea - each day I was let down a little bit more - instead of being depressed all at once when the wierd cramps, tiredness and bloating were just my period arriving again. You can take drugstore pregnancy tests as early as five days before your period is supposed to start - but only 58% of women have pregnancy hormone by then (and 63% the next day, and 83% after that, and 93% percent the day after that, and then 98%...so you see what I mean about being let down incrementally).

The worst part (other than not being pregnant, of course) is that now I worry that something really is wrong. Maybe it's something they'll never figure out, and never be able to fix. The not-knowing is the really hard part of unexplained infertility.

I hear all the statistics - only 25% of couples undergoing fertility treatments will "take home a baby" (something about this lingo - "take home baby rate" really bothers me - like it's a drive-through or something). Or that each month with IUI, I have a 9% chance of conceiving (this is the number my doctor gave me - of course, I did a ton of internet research and have read books, and the number they give seems to be 20% per month). And, like most couples do, apparently, we figure that we are in that 20 or 9% - that the other 80 - 91% must have something really wrong.

Or not.

It's so frustrating because WHAT IS WRONG?? In my life (my Dad is a doctor) when you have something physically wrong with you, you go to a great doctor, and they solve your problem. When I had nine strep throats in one winter, a fantastic surgeon took my tonsils out and I have not (knock on wood) had strep throat in 23 years. When I kept breaking my right ankle, another world-famous surgeon took a half inch off of one of my foot bones, built me some new tendons, inserted a pin, and voila. Within 6 months I was playing lacrosse and wearing high heels without fear.

I could go on, but you get the point. The progression is: realize you have health issue, find best possible doctor and hospital, follow instructions, wait a bit, and your reward is a cure.

SO far, I've found the best doctor and clinic, done everything I'm supposed to, and still, nothing. And the worst part is, no one can tell me what is wrong. If I just knew, I'd fix it.

Instead, I search for answers. I've quit smoking, cut back considerably on drinking, cut out more than 50 mg of caffeine a day, worked on my diet, taken pre-natal vitamins, and taken the Clomid at exactly the same time every night for five nights. I've started exercising more, but not at too intense a level.

Lately, I've decided that my BMI is too high (ideal BMI for conception is between 21 and 24 apparently). So that's what I'll work on next.

And maybe the hard work will pay off. Or, for the first time in my life, maybe hard work will have nothing to do with it.

- L.