The Long Race

Okay, so I was a little loopy yesterday. Anyone would be. This week has been the definition of "emotional rollercoaster," and I truly am exhausted from all this thinking about follicles. Here's where I am right now: Yesterday's results showed that I have four follicles on the right side, all at about 12 mm. My estradiol level is in the 200s, which the nurse said is "perfect" for where I am. They had boosted my gonal-f to 112.5 iu on Monday and kept me on that dose last night and tonight. Going back in the morning for another ultrasound/bloodwork round.

One thing I've learned is to stop asking for and/or listening to the ultrasound technician's read on the situation. With all due respect to them -- because some of them are great and very professional -- they are not doctors. Yesterday, the tech asked me if my ovaries were very sore, because "you have a lot of follicles." I immediately spiraled into despair -- clearly, we were back in the same situation again.

I asked to speak to a nurse when it was over, and she talked me down from the ledge. I have four in the lead, and if they stay in the lead I'll be good to go. I also spoke with my doctor yesterday. I just really wanted to hear what he was thinking. He said he, too, is concerned that I seem to either overrespond on the higher doses or respond too slowly on the lower ones. But it's entirely possible, he said, that these four follicles will make it to the finish line before the others get big enough. He said he'll trigger (take the HCG shot to trigger ovulation before an IUI) with up to five follicles. Anything beyond that, he said, and the risk of multiples is just too great. For now, we just play the waiting game. It takes a lot longer to get to the end when you're on the lower doses.

Today I'm feeling...well, I don't really know what I'm feeling. I go from optimistic to despondent in a matter of minutes. I'm just really hopeful that we can actually get to another opportunity to get pregnant. After all the hard work (and sometimes it really does feel like work) of the last few months, I've only had one opportunity (in late Dec./early Jan. when I ovulated on Clomid) to get pregnant. One. I'd be grateful for more. On that note, I'm really considering converting to IVF if I overrespond this cycle. Like my follicles, I'm eager to get to the finish line.

-J.