Sex, Drugs and Everything Else You Used to Enjoy

In case you're new to this infertility thing (maybe you're at the stage where you think, gee, it was supposed to be "go off the Pill, have sex, start registering for an entirely new collection of accessories from diaper bags to tiny socks" but after x number of months, nothing) I thought my holiday present to you would be the most helpful info I've learned in 12 months of research and doctor's appointments - all in one place. Well, in two places. I'll start the list in this post, and finish it in a future post.

1) Being "infertile" doesn't mean you cannot ever have children - it just means that after a year of unprotected sex, you aren't pregnant. 85% of couples who have sex without birth control will be pregnant at the end of a year. So if you're not, it doesn't mean you never will be, it just means you should probably see a doctor to make sure there isn't anything they can do to help you along.

2) You may feel like a complete basket case, emotional wreck, freakshow. This is normal. I don't even particularly want kids right now - but with each month that passed with my period arriving on time, I became more and more nuts. I cry when I see babies, or when I don't. I cry when I get my period. And things that used to be fun? Not so fun anymore. For example, sex was ruined - after years of Catholic guilt (okay, well maybe not that much guilt) I finally get to have sanctioned sex with my husband, and after just a few months we don't even get to enjoy it because we have to have it on a schedule, like dentist visits or renewing the car registration at the DMV. Fun. Wahoo. Tell me I have to do something, and I won't want to do it. At all.

3) If you aren't timing sex yet, you should know that you can only get pregnant in a window that is approximately two days long. My reproductive endocrinologist (not some random website) told me that sperm can live in the right conditions (i.e. inside you when your cervical mucus is being nice to them) for about 48 hours. Your egg can live for about 6 - 12 hours. So he suggested that timing sex on days 8, 10, 12, 14 and 16 of my cycle (which is pretty spot on at 26-28 days) would be a good idea. You can also use ovulation predictor kits, or take your basal temperature (this was hard for me because until I have at least 3 cups of coffee - see #4 below - I can't function, and would regularly get up having forgotten to take my temperature), or check your cervical mucus. Number one costs about $20 a month, and requires you to pee on sticks. Number two - the temperature costs about $10 for the thermometer, and requires you to take a record your termperature before you do anything else in the morning. Number three requires you to check your cervical mucus and when it looks like egg whites, get busy. I have a friend whose code signal for sex with her husband is putting her thumb and pointer finger together and then moving them apart - i.e. "it's stretching like egg whites to get in bed baby." The good news for her is that it worked - she's pregnant and can now have sex when she feels like it, not just when things down there are lookin like egg whites.

4) Studies (one from Harvard, most recently) have shown that basically, you have to stop doing all the things that are fun, enjoyable and bad for you. Stop smoking. Drink no more than five alcoholic drinks each week. Drink no more than one cup of coffee a day. Cut out the white flour and fried foods (including donuts, particularly distressing to me). Eat less red meat and more seeds and nuts (okay, that one's not so bad). Work out, but not too much. Lose weight or gain it - your BMI should be between 21 and 25. Get enough sleep. Don't stress out (HAHA). Take a prenatal vitamin with folic acid.

Oh, and bonus. Your husband/partner? He can basically do whatever he wants.

P.S.

I didn't tell my husband this.

If I'm on a good girl macrobiotic no fun regimen, so is he. I mean, give me a BREAK! I'm already in a bad mood from all the people asking me why I'm not pregnant and then telling me to "relax," from having my friggin period when I really, really don't want it, having bad skin because I'm off the Pill, and having to endure painful tests and humiliating procedures. And now you tell me I have to have sex on a schedule, can't drink, smoke, do drugs (okay, so I don't do them but hey, I like options), escape to Starbucks three times a day, or eat donuts? Fuck you, dude. And fuck Jamie Lynn Spears, fuck Nicole Ritchie and fuck that skinny bitch Heidi Klum, who gets to look like that and gets to get pregnant at the drop of a toothy grin.

Oh forgive me. I can't eat donuts, but at least I'm still allowed to swear.

-L