So, when are you going to have kids?

Sound familiar? Chances are, if you're married, in your thirties, and have been to a wedding, reunion, family function or other inner circle of hell recently, you've been asked this question. And, if you're like us, you wonder:

1. Did you seriously just ask a 37 year-old woman that question?
2. Did you seriously just ask anyone that question?
3. How the hell do I answer that question?????

My first post (I'm Lisa, the first part of the Lisafer combo - sorry about the Bennifer copying, but admit it, you do too read People, Us and when you're desperate, Star) will start with some suggestions for how to deal with this question. Even before I started trying to get pregnant (and I've now been trying, without even a little success for the dreaded one year mark) I was floored by this question. The first time I was asked it was at a wedding four months after I got married. I made the mistake of wearing a really cute BCBG dress that had an empire waist. I was asked not once, but SIX times, whether I was pregnant, or worse, when I was due. Finally, when the last person asked me, "Oh! Are you pregnant?" I said, "Nope, just fat I guess. "

To the third person who asked me when I was due (I'd had time to think of the comeback I didn't have when the first person asked) I said, "For another glass of wine? Since you're the third person whose asked me that, and I'm not pregnant, I'm thinkin I need to get drunk RIGHT NOW." "

Now, I'm not talking about hearing the "when are you going to have kids" question from good friends - the kind of friends you might actually talk (and used to talk at length when you were single) about your sex life with. I'm talking about friends of your parents who you think were at your wedding, but you can't be sure. I'm talking about random coworkers who have never gotten so personal as to ask you if you prefer Diet Coke or Regular Coke for the Friday lunch meeting. I'm talking about the neighbor you just met for the first time.

When you're dealing with infertility, and living in the age of babydoll dresses, empire waists and media baby mania (J Lo BUMPWATCH! TLC: A Baby Story! TLC: Bringing Home Baby! TLC: You're Not Having A Baby But Everyone Else Is!) getting asked if you're pregnant is common, and it's no longer just insulting.

It's painful.

Really, really painful, and really, really hard. To keep from tearing up (I seem to cry over this a lot, and I am NOT a cryer, at all - except for when I watch Terms of Endearment. I cry every time I watch that movie, even if it's 3 a.m. on Lifetime) I have to answer the constant barrage of the "when are you having children?" type questions with something a little humorous.

For instance:

"So what about you guys? When are you going to get going and have kids?!"

A: "Apparently it's not as easy as they made it sound in 8th grade. How is the shrimp dip?"

That's what I really say. Here is what I WANT to say:

"I don't know. But more importantly, when are you going to get rid of that annoying husband of yours? He's at the bar right now molesting the waitress."

or

"Well, considering all you ever do is bitch about your kids, we're not really in that much of a hurry."

or

"I have a great book for you to read. It's called Emily Post: Manners. You really should check it out!

or

"None of your fucking business. But while we're being inappropriate, how is the Viagra working out for Tom? Getting any lately?"

Sorry. Sort of. That's enough for the first post - next time I'll write about what I think about people who just "mean well" when they ask you why you don't have kids. Oh, and about our Top Ten List of Really Annoying Advice (hint, #1 is "relax!").

-L