Seeing Double

I was feeling really lucky (and still am) and a little (okay, sort of a lot) guilty about getting pregnant when so many of my infertility-struck friends are still struggling. But on Thursday, we found out that we may have a permanent, lifelong reminder of our battle with infertility: twins.

That's right. I only had three follicles from the Gonal-F (go hamsters!) and thought there was just no way - after almost 24 months of having 0 good eggs, that 2 out of 3 would be "good." Oooops.

I know I should be overjoyed - and in some ways I am - I feel incredibly lucky to be pregnant at all, and even luckier that if all goes well, I might just have a complete family in one shot before I'm 40. But I'm also terrified. There's so much more risk for multiples - what if I can't carry them to term? Get diabetes? High blood pressure? What if my back - which has already been acting up - gives out? Will I have to quit my job? How will we afford or take care of two babies? OMG we need a bigger car! A bigger house! A bigger ME!! I mean, let's face it, only Angelina Jolie looks like that 8 months pregnant with twins (two twig arms and a perfect round belly). Chances are good that I'll look a lot more like a snowman than a stick figure. I already told my husband that if this works out, forget the diamond earrings - I want a tummy tuck.

I feel incredibly guilty voicing these concerns here - I know that those of you who are trying are saying, "SHUT UP! I'd give my left arm to have a baby, not to mention TWO!" But I decided to write because multiples are a real possibility if you're on hormone treatments, and I sort of wish I'd prepared myself for it. I think if I'd been doing IVF, I would have (we were on injectible FSH with IUI)prepared myself a little better for the possibility of multiples.

But having the ultrasound tech ask, "How many transfers did you have?" when I hadn't had IVF at all, was sort of a jarring way to find out that I'm carrying not one, but two, babies.

Not that they are babies yet, and I'm scared to death that I'll lose one or both of them. But in some ways it might have been easier if I'd read a little bit about this beforehand - had accepted that I might be in that "low" percentage who conceive twins, and readied myself for it. When they told me it was a possibility, I just said, "At this point, I'd be overjoyed about having twins, trust me!" I thought getting pregnant would be the end of my stress and worries - not an invitation to indulge in a whole host of new ones.

Overall, I am really happy and feel really lucky, and don't take any of it for granted. Even the vicious 'morning' sickness (named by a man who'd never had it, cause it lasts all day and all night) makes me happy because it means I'm less likely to miscarry, and reminds me that I'm pregnant - something I was starting to think I'd never be.

But as the saying goes, be careful what you wish for. Because you might just get it - get it, get it!
- L.