5.26.2008

Eggshells

I can't believe it and I'm scared to say it out loud (or even type it) but according to the blood test, I'm pregnant.

I'm excited and happy and I really can't believe it...but I'm also terrified. I keep going to the bathroom expecting to see my period. I'm terrified that things can't possibly go right - so many women have miscarriages, and we've had so much trouble - it just seems unlikely that things will actually be okay.

I don't mean to be ungrateful - I'm so, so happy to know that I actually can get pregnant, and feel so lucky that our fifth fertility treatment worked. My husband tried to reassure me by telling me that if something happened, we'd just keep trying. Then I told him that the law in Massachusetts defines infertility as "inability to conceive in a 12 month period" which means that if I have a miscarriage, we can't start fertility treatments again for 12 months.

He was a little shocked by that.

I guess excitement and happiness are trumping worry...sometimes. I actually feel sick a lot - but when I don't, I worry that it means that the production going on inside me has stopped.

My husband asked again when I'd feel comfortable and start to worry less - and I said, "In nine months." Which isn't totally inaccurate...but I will feel better after our ultrasound and MD appt on June 10th, and after 12 weeks, and after amnio...

- L.

No comments: