One and a Half Pink Lines?

So, Sunday morning I woke up and decided that even though it was five days before I was supposed to get my period, I would take a test. I know, I know, they tell you not to...they tell you to wait for the blood test. But with all this stupid waiting, I decided to indulge. I got what I thought was a negative - there was the faintest, faintest hint of a second line, but I figured the test just always looked like that (you'd think I'd know - I've seen approximately 43 negative ones).

I got back into bed and whimpered to my husband about a million things, including that now if the IVF (in July) worked, I'd be having the baby at the worst possible time for me in terms of work, and I might have to quit my job...he consoled me, and tried to hide his disappointment, and we went back to sleep.

Sunday night, we went to friends' house in Wellfleet, and had an amazing dinner (complete with champagne and wine and after dinner drinks to celebrate their new house). The night was fabulous, and we decided to stay over. On Monday, we woke to the kind of day that really makes calling in sick worthwhile - crystal clear skies, light breeze, sun shining off the harbor. I decided to use the second test in the 3-test "value pack" (how $22 for something you pee on can be a value, I don't know). Nothing.

I didn't want to throw it away in their trash can (evidence!) so I wrapped it in a lot of tissue and stuffed it back in the box. A few hours later, as I was packing my bag, I decided that it was gross to put that in with my cosmetics, so I took it out to re-wrap it and throw it away.

The second line was there.

At least, I thought it was. It was fuzzy and wierd-looking, with undefined edges, but it was definitely there.

My husband was out getting coffee and bagels, and when he FINALLY arrived back, I said, "Can you look at this?"

"Oh my God." He said.

"It's positive!"

"Okay, that's sort of what I thought too, but I couldn't tell, it was such a wierd second line, and it's lighter than the test line, and..."

"I knew it! I knew it would work this month!"

We ate the best tasting bagels I've ever had.

But then, the doubts started.

What if it's just a chemical pregnancy? What if the HcG shot just made the test look positive? Even if I am pregnant, what if it doesn't last? What if I miscarry? If I miscarry, I'll have to wait 12 whole months to start fertility treatments again (thanks, Mass law and insurers!)!

My husband wanted me to blog that night, but I just couldn't. First of all, I'm not sure it's true. I get a blood test tomorrow, but I still won't feel 100% until I'm at least 12 weeks - actually, scratch that. I won't feel 100% until I give birth.

I'm so used to negatives and sadness and disappointment that I just can't let myself be happy yet.

Second of all, I feel guilty.

If I am pregnant, what about my friends who aren't? Before, we were bonded by our bad luck, bonded against the Bump Watches, and baby shower invites, and stupid comments from stupid people. I feel like a traitor.

My counselor at the Domar Center said a lot of women get more anxious after they find out they are pregnant, and I completely agree. After working so hard for something, is it worse to have it taken away than not to have had it at all?

As my husband would say, "happy thoughts, happy thoughts." I'll try.

- L.